I thought it'd be nice to put me crazy rap here.. it doesn't have a title or anything.


I knew a boy once and I tried looking in his eyes.
And when I looked right in em I saw they were mine.
Too bad we’ve been cursed now and he is dead to me.
I told him there’d be no hate and someday he’d see.
Once again there goes another soul right out the door.
Into a world I’ve seen so horrific right to the pits and core.
Mother fucker you won’t ever change the way I think.
I won’t listen to you, read this goddamn fucking ink.
If I hear your words one more time, your face comes off.
I’m not afraid to make you cough like you’ve never coughed.
Cause my hands will be wrapped so tight at your throat nigga
And I’ll be starin into your eyes while you choke nigga.
I’d like to pass another day, just tryin to live in peace.
Gets hard when the wind’s knocked you off your feet.
Yeah I know I see you fallin down, too, you can’t hide.
No matter how strong you seem when you think you’re alive.
I give you praise for gettin back up and facing the world.
And how so heavy heartedly you tried beatin down that girl.
No matter what you taught me I’m still findin it hard to believe
That every single person on this whole damn planet has needs.
Cause I’ve looked into the soul that you so willingly presented
And I know it’s true nigga that you couldn’t get any more wicked.
But instead you decided you’d give me part of your soul.
And I wouldn’t let go until my heart was full and whole.
Too bad a part of it ends up missing every one to three months.
But I knew this time it’d be different we were havin too much fun.
Too bad we’ve been cursed now and you’re dead to me.
I told you there’d be no hate and someday you’d see.
Listen to me now I’m tellin you, your soul is where I found the Lord.
Shake your head and let your mind be free, mine is inside of yours.
I can’t go back now because I’m not afraid and you didn’t hurt me.
I’ll never admit to it and this all we’ll ever fucking be.
Trapped in a rut and itching for the revolution to start.
Because hell’s taken over most of us and we’ve all become hard.
So, you see, what I’ve learned, is foundations of love.
And without it, I’ll stay forever trapped in the rut.

Yet again, Caitlin is in a terrible state of mind.

Today has been by far one of the worst days in quite some time. I'm not sure how even to explain the turmoil of emotions caused by today's events. There's no point in writing this because I don't want to talk about it at all with anyone.

I dunno. I don't care what anyone says, I'm done with relationships for a long time. It's just pointless. No matter what, you always, always end up getting hurt. There's no escaping it, so in the long run it'd make sense just to face it. But what can I say, I'm weak. I'll take the easy way out. I don't care if that sounds selfish or not.

That seems to be the big phrase today, "I don't care."

Oh well. There are many obstacles in life, things get thrown at you that you don't expect.. and I guess I did kind of expect something terrible to happen. Although I guess it's not too terrible, maybe things are better this way. The funny thing is.. he doesn't seem to care.

I'm making too big a deal out of this. It's not like it matters, or like there was anything really there, anyway. Nothing important enough to get my emotions all in a jumble. But for some reason, I'm really upset.

I try really hard to stay tough, all the time. Really really hard. And not let my emotions show. I don't want people to see me hurt. Because I don't get hurt, I hardly ever will admit to that. No one hurts me. But I am hurting now. And more angry than I've ever been.

That's all I can say for now, I guess. Things will get better. That's how life works.

I'm boreddddd.

Yo not too much been goin on. I went boarding tonight at Lab. Sucked cause it was all icy and shit but I found myself a nice boy to go on a few runs with. That made things more fun.

I had some motivation to actually WORK OUT todayyy. It was crazy. I feel better. I shall make it into a routine now.

Crazy fucker I've got a sleep study on Friday but I'm hopin to be goin to MIDNIGHT BOWLINNNN bitchhh can't beat that, with foofers friday night.

Might chill with Dan tomorrow but who knows, might sleep the day away to catch up on it. Haven't been so good with that.

Immortal Technique is some crazyy shit.






















"I'm fallin and I can't turn back.
I'm fallin and I can't turn back."

This survey looks dreadfully long..

What time is it now?:: 7:57 PM
ABOUT YOU
Your full name:: Caitlin Mary Cole
Age:: 14
Height:: 5 feet 5 inches? maybe 5 foot 6, I dunno.
Natural hair colour:: Light brown.
Eye colour:: Changes from different shades of brown.
Number of siblings:: One younger brother.
Glasses/contacts?:: Contacts.
Piercings:: Only me ears.
Tattoos:: Nope.
Braces?:: March 28th.
FAVOURITE
Colour:: Green.
Band:: Pink Floyd or Zeppelin, too hard to choose.
Song:: Oh man, that be a hard thing to choose. Either Knockin on Heaven's Door or Goodbye Blue Sky.
Stuffed animal:: The only one I really have; the stuffed puppy Trevor gave me awhile back.
Video game:: Halo2.
TV show:: That 70's Show.
Movie:: Donnie Darko.
Book:: Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Twilight of the Idols, and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintence.
Food:: I don't have a favorite.
Game on a cell phone:: No cellular for Caitlin, unfortunately.
CD cover:: I dunno.
Flower:: Carnation or rose.
Scent:: Tobacco.
Animal:: Horse.
Comic book:: I've never read one.
Cereal:: Coacoa Crispies =)
Website:: Myspace? Hahah I dunno.
Cartoon:: Fairly Oddparents by a long shot.

DO YOU
Play an instrument?:: Guitar, and mess around on the keys.
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?:: Hell no.
Like to sing?:: I love to, but my voice is absolutely volatile.
Have a job?:: I wish.
Have a cell phone?:: Soon I be gettin mine.
Like to play sports?:: No, 'cept for snowboarding.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:: No.
Have a crush on someone?:: You could call it a crush.
Live somewhere NOT in the united states?:: Nope.
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?:: No.
Have any special talents/skills?:: I can say the English and French alphabet backwards, haha.
Excercise daily?:: Nope.
Like school?:: Is this a serious question?

CAN YOU
Sing the alphabet backwards?:: Yes!
Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?:: No.
Speak any other languages?:: I do what I can in French.
Go a day without food?:: Yes.
Stay up for more than 24 hours?:: Happens all the time.
Read music, not just tabs?:: Haha, nope, I stick to my tabs.
Roll your tongue?:: Nope.
Eat a whole pizza?:: Probably, but I'd most likely puke or somethin after.

HAVE YOU EVER
Snuck out of the house?:: Yessir.
Cried to get out of trouble?:: Yep.
Gotten lost in your city?:: I don't think so.
Seen a shooting star?:: When I was very young.
Been to any other countries besides the united states?:: Only Canada.
Had a serious surgery?:: Nope.. except for that cancerous skin thing when I was like 6..
Stolen something important to someone else?:: No.
Solved a rubiks cube?:: I've never tried.
Gone out in public in your pajamas?:: Yep.
Cried over a girl?:: Once.. it was a friendship thing.
Cried over a boy?:: Yes.
Kissed a random stranger?:: Yes.
Hugged a random stranger?:: Yes.
Been in a fist fight?:: Nope.
Been arrested?:: I don't think it was considered arrested.
Done drugs?:: Yes.
Had alcohol?:: Yes.
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?:: Hah, no, thank the light.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?:: Who hasn't?
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?:: No.
Swore at your parents?:: Yes.
Been to warped tour?:: Nope.
Kicked a guy where it hurts?:: Hahah, yes, probably more than I should've.
Been in love?:: I'd like to think I was at the time.
Been close to love?:: Yes.
Been to a casino?:: Nope.
Ran over an animal and killed it?:: Nope.
Broken a bone?:: Yep.. ankle and wrist.
Gotten stitches?:: Yep.
Had a waterballoon fight in winter?:: Nope, only in the summer.
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?:: Nope.
Made homemade muffins?:: Yep.
Bitten someone?:: Yes.
Been to disneyland/disneyworld?:: Yes.
More than 5 times?:: Nope.
Been to niagra falls?:: Yep.
Burped in someones face?:: Yes.
Gotten the chicken pox?:: Yep, when I was little.

WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU
Brushed your teeth:: This morning.
Went to the bathroom:: I can't remember.
Saw a movie in theaters:: Two weeks ago, When A Stranger Calls w/ Foof.
Read a book:: I'm reading some Plato right now.
Had a snow day:: Sometime in December I think.
Had a party:: I dunno.
Had a slumber party:: Haha.. I think like my 12th birthday or somethin.
Made fun of someone:: I dunno.
Tripped in front of someone:: Whenever the last time I was in school.
Went to the grocery store:: Friday.
Got sick:: I'm always sick.
Cursed:: 10 seconds ago.

PICK ONE
Fruit/vegetables:: Fruit.
Black/white:: Black.
Lights on/lights off:: Depends.. probably off.
TV/movie:: Movie.
Car/truck:: Car.
Body spray/lotion:: Lotion.
Cash/check:: Cash.
Pillows/blankets:: Blankets.
Headache/stomach ache:: Headache.
Paint/charcoal:: Charcoal.
Chinese food/mexican food:: Mexican.
Summer/winter:: Summer.
Snow/rain:: Snow.
Fog/misty:: Both.
Rock/rap:: Both.
Meat/vegetarian:: Vegetarian.
Boy/girl:: Boy.
Chocolate/vanilla:: Chocolate.
Sprinkles/icing:: Sprinkles.
Cake/pie:: Cake.
French toast/french fries:: French fries.
Strawberries/blueberries:: Strawberries.
Ocean/swimming pool:: Ocean.
Hugs/kisses:: Kisses.
Cookies/muffins:: Both.
p33n/bewbz:: Hahah.
Wallet/pocket:: Pocket.
Window/door:: I dunno.
Emo/goth:: Emo.
Pink/purple:: Pink.
Cat/dog:: Dog.
Long sleeve/short sleeve:: Short sleeves.
Pants/shorts:: Depends on the weather.
Winter break/spring break:: Spring.
Spring/autumn:: Spring.. or autumn, I dunno.
Clouds/clear sky:: Clouds.
Moon/mars:: Moon.

FRIENDSHIP
How many friends do you have?:: A lot of people I would call friends, but really only a few that are close to me.
Do you have a best friend?:: Brittany Karen Valazza.
Have you ever liked one of your friends?:: Yep.
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?:: Guy friends.
Have you ever lost a friend?:: Many.
Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?:: Yep.
Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?:: "DAMUS?!"
Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?:: Of course.
Whats the nicest thing youve ever done for a friend?:: I dunno.
Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?:: I dunno.
Do you miss any of your old friends?:: Uh huh.
What friend have you known the longest?:: Brittany.
Do you regret anything youve done to a friend?:: Yes, many things.
If so, what is it?:: I'd rather not say.
How often do you spend time with your friends?:: A lot.
Do any of your friends drive?:: Yesssir.
Has a friend of yours ever died?:: Skyler.
Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?:: Hahahh oh man..
What do you think your friends think of you?:: Um I'd hope that they like me?

LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP
Have you ever been in love?:: Yes.
If you have, with who?:: No comment.
Are you single?:: Somewhat.
Are you in a relationship?:: Kind of, but not really.
If so, for how long?:: I dunno.
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?:: Uh huh.
What is your idea of the best date?:: Anything.
What was your first kiss like?:: I don't remember that well.
How old were you when you got your first kiss?:: 12 I think.
Do you think love is a load of shit?:: At times I do, but ultimately, no, of course not.
Whats the best experiance youve ever had with the opposite sex?:: Completely connecting on a level no one else could relate to.
If you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?:: Yes.
Have you ever been dumped?:: Yes.
Have you ever dumped someone?:: Yes.
Whats the most sexual thing youve done with the opposite sex?:: Rather not say.

WORD ASSOCIATION
Slippers:: Fuzzy.
Hat:: Top.
Hard:: Head.
Space:: Ship.
Taste:: Good.
Good Charlotte:: KICKS ASS! haha.
Red:: Roses.
Deep:: Ocean.
Heart:: Broken.
Cord:: Guitar.
Cheese:: In a can.
Rain:: Drops.
Pedal:: Bass.
Bed:: Sex? Hah.
Fluff:: PBJ
Hardcore:: Sucks.
Race:: Horse.
Knife:: Fight.
Jump:: High.

I....
am:: cold.
want:: a hoody right now.
need:: food.
crave:: love.
love:: music.
hate:: war.
did:: your mom. hahah =)
feel:: sad.
miss:: chris.
am annoyed by:: my brother.
would rather:: have a sister.
am tired of:: life.

SILLY STUFF
What is your favourite genre of music?:: Couldn't say.
What time is it now?:: 8:36 PM.
What day is it?:: Monday or Tuesday.
Whens the last time you called someone?:: I honestly don't remember.
How much money do you have right now?:: Probably like $4 =)
Are you hungry?:: Yes.
Whatcha doin?:: This survey.. and listenin to Guns n Roses.
Do you like parades?:: Umm.. sure? Hah.
Do you like the moon?:: I adore it.
What are you going to do when youre done with this?:: Probably find something to eat for the first time today.
Isnt cup a funny word when you repeat it over and over?:: If I'm drunk, sure.
If you could have any magical power what would it be?:: Read people's minds.
Have you ever had a picnic?:: Yep.
Did you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?:: Oh shit I remember those.. nope, didn't have one.
What about sock em boppers?:: =O No! I'm outraged at my lack of silly toys.
Are you wearing any socks right now?:: Yep. They're pretty cute, too.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
funny?:: At times.
pretty?:: No.
sarcastic?:: At times.
lazy?:: Yes.
hyper?:: At times..
friendly?:: Yes.
evil?:: No.
smart?:: Kinda.
strong?:: No.
talented?:: Not really.
dorky?:: yes.

ASSOCIATE THESE WORDS WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW (or dont know)
high:: Clint.
skip:: Me.
dance:: Mattie.
lonely:: =/
pen:: Josh.
flower:: Me.
window:: Liza.. I dunno why.
psycho:: Me.
brain freeze:: Brittany, hahah.
orange:: That one kid who was obsessed with hockey in like 4th grade..
sassy:: Bill, definitely.
jelly:: My bro.

FOR OR AGAINST
suicide:: Neither.
love:: For.
drunk drivers:: Who the hell who be for drunk drivers?
airplanes:: I dunno.
war:: Against.
canada:: For.
united states:: Both.
rock music:: For.
gay marriage:: For.
school:: Both.
surveys:: For.
parents:: For.
cars:: For.
killing:: Both.
britney spears:: Against.
coffee:: For.
pants:: Against, of course!

WOULD YOU EVER
Sky dive?:: Yes.
Play strip poker?:: Yessir.
Run away?:: Yes.
Curse at a teacher?:: Have before.
Not take a shower for a week?:: Probably.
Ask someone out?:: Yes.
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?:: No, I don't think so.
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?:: Probably.
Go scuba diving?:: No.
Write a book?:: Yes, definitely.
Become a rockstar?:: Yes.
Have casual sex?:: Yes? What's the difference between casual sex and.. sex?

LAST QUESTIONS
What shampoo do you use?:: Pantene Pro-V baby.
Whens the last time you did something sexual with the opposite sex?:: Couple weeks ago.
What kind of computer do you have?:: Emachines.
What grade are you in?:: 8th.
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?:: Depends.
Or just make out?:: Be much more fun just to make out.
How many posters do you have in your room?:: A lot.
How many cds do you have?:: A lot.
What time is it now?:: 8:47

Terrible mood, of course.

Life, on a whole, is a whore. Blahhh I hate just about every person right now, except for the select few that I do actually care for. Who am I kidding, I hate everyone.

Maybe I don't hate everyone.
Hate is too strong of a word.
A strong dislike, I'll say, I suppose.

Guys suck. But then again if you asked a guy, they would say girls are bitches, too, so it evens out. But I do have to wonder why I'm getting hurt so much. I'm so young.. I guess.. and I suppose I just don't understand it.

Oh well. What the fuck could I possibly do to change anything, anyway?

Nothing, of course.

Ugh, I guess I'll go have another fucking cigarette while I drag on with my worthless fucking life.
-me.

Blah, things kinda suck right now. Got back from the hospital a little while ago. Drug test, and this heart test, I forgot what it was called. The just put all these wires all over my body and recorded some shit. Next week I have an echo gram thing, and the day after all this bloodwork. And my doctor didn't perscribe me to a sleeping pill today, I'm pissed. How the hell am I supposed to sleep?

So, yeah, all that sucks, but what can I do? Tomorrow's Valentimes Day. Ah, another one alone. I didn't have anyone that I particuraly wanted to spend it with, anyway. Besides maybe Chris, but he's not around. Oh well, it's not like it matters or anything's going to change.

Tomorrow I suppose I'm doing this Sunshine Horse Rescue thing, taking care of old racehorses or abused horses. Shall be interesting, I suppose.

I guess that's everything.
-caitlin.

Blahh so my Deadjournal got deleted, so I thought I'd start one of these.

Not too much has been happening over the past month. My birthday was a couple weeks ago. Nothing special happened, but it was okay. Chris came for a visit around that time. It was fun. Hmm.. last weekend I went to some wrestling match with Brittany and ended up hanging out with Dan during that, then went to Wegmans with him. Then Saturday, Britt and I went to see "When a Stanger Calls." It was much fun. Umm then she spent the night and we walked to Wescott the next day. Spent every bit of my money.

This past week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I'm sick of the whole "in love" feeling. It's so pointless, not worth it at all. So I think I'm just going to exclude myself from any emotion towards anyone.

I finally told my parents about my sleeping problem, and about the anxiety attacks. I guess I'm going to the doctor's next week. My mom thinks I have anemia, which is very possible since I haven't eaten meat in two years, and it runs in my family. I just hope I get a sleeping pill. I can't take this insomnia shit much longer.

I think I'm going to read some poetry at the Town Shop this week, but I'm a little nervous to do so.

That's about it, I guess.
-me.